Class Participation

Class participation is a day-to-day struggle for me. 

When I first came to Uni as a subbie, I would raise my hand every day in almost all of my classes to give a comment or an answer, which was probably the residual effect of coming from a middle school mainly populated by kids who perhaps weren't the most enthusiastic about their educations. But as the years progressed, I became increasingly detached from in-class discussions to the point where I became one of the quietest students in the room and would absolutely refuse to raise my hand ever. I really hit rock bottom in sophomore year, not just in terms of participation, but in focus and effort as well. So that's when I was like "okay this needs to stop" and resolved to really work hard this year. 

And for about the first half of the first quarter, all of my assignments were getting done efficiently, I was taking good notes, and, most importantly, I was participating regularly in class. But, like what happened in the last couple of years, I gradually spoke less and less, and as of today I don't think I've raised my hand in about two weeks. I don't even know why or how this happened but now I'm just trapped in this limbo where I want to participate and there's still hope, but I inevitably psyche myself out right before raising my hand. Almost each time it's either because I'm afraid of getting the answer wrong or I'm afraid of saying something stupid and obvious that contributes absolutely nothing to the discussion. And it doesn't help matters that there's always one student that's like telepathically linked the teacher and says literally exactly what the teacher is looking for every single time. 

But the other thing that freaks me out about it all is that, whenever I speak in front of a large group of people, my brain sort of goes on autopilot and things just start coming out of my mouth. Like, I know what I want to say but as soon as I'm called on I stop thinking and all that's happening is this string of words that I'm not completely aware of saying, or I'm mindlessly stuttering and fumbling to articulate my thoughts. And once I'm finished and everyone moves on, I can't really remember exactly what I said, and it's just this weird messy situation I don't like getting myself into. 

There are times that make me want to participate, like when I think I know the answer to a question but don't raise my hand and I turn out to be right. But there are also scenarios like this: I think I know the answer to a question and I raise my hand, but darn, the teacher calls on another student. The other student says something foolish and my hand gets ready to rise again when the teacher confirms the student's answer. At this point I have never been more relieved in my entire life and I can never trust myself again. It's moments like these that completely justify my fears and overpower any prior encouraging experiences. 

Even so, I'll admit that this is a pretty dumb (and extremely inhibiting) fear. It's not like I've ever actually been teased by anyone when I say something stupid, but somehow that's still what my brain thinks will happen. I guess I just have to do it more often. Like they say, the more you do it the better you get, or something.